So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
