I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
