hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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