I haven't been this sober since birth.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
