Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
