Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
