Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize