She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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