Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
