Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
