Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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