note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
