I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
