Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
