i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
