some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
