she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
