oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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