I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
