apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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