Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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