I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize