Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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