He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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