The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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