Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
