these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I need moral support for this bender
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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