So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
