he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
