she looked like the bat from fern gully.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
