I think my vagina is haunted
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
