weddingsv make me drug and hornr
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
