I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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