no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
True strength comes from lack of pants
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
