My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
