he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
