Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I yelled at your uterus for you.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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