so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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