I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
