if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
