Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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