I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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