this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
