our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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