It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
