Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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