Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
