did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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