I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
