Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
