i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
