I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
