ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize