You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Randomize
