Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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