if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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