Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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