'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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