can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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