he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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