Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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