i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
