I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
