What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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