I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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