does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
