Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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