On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
