he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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