she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
