The maid of honor just puked.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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