We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
